LIVE . LOVE . HURT . HOPE

Breezing through life and loving every moment…

14.3.2012

I am slowly counting down the days till hubby returns from his business trip. Here I am again sitting in the dark typing and hoping that the little one will be okay throughout the night.
She woke up slightly warm again and a little cranky, whining as she followed me around the house while I frantically got things ready for work and filled her daycare bag with the usual daily essentials. By the time I managed to pick her up, she was obviously upset and not the happy smiley little girl she usually is in the mornings. She almost wailed all the way to daycare except halfway through she just stared blankly out of the window quietly. The poor girl must be miserable to the max.

Thankfully no calls from daycare throughout the day, which meant that she was almost her usual self with no obvious illness, except that she was just a little warmer than usual. The teachers said that she ate well and drank plenty of water, which was a good thing. She is not drinking her milk as much there, but I suppose I can accept that as long as she eats her other meals well.

Back home, was when the craziness started. Maddy refused to be left alone even for a few minutes and I nursed her for a while right after I dump my bags onto the floor. She fell asleep and I let her take a shuteye for perhaps half an hour before I had to gently wake her up to prepare her dinner. Needless to say, she started whining again and I had to carry her around the house. The slight fever was making her cranky, but at the same time being the only adult at home, there were things that I just HAD to do. So, with one arm cradling Maddy, I prepared her dinner and other stuff around the kitchen. By the end of it all, my arm was killing me. I managed to distract her a little by letting her ‘help’ me with the laundry, after which she demanded to be carried again.

Dinner was less of a fight compared to yesterday, but only slightly. I managed to coax her into finishing some porridge with pumpkin and fish, halfway through which she demanded to be held and I fed her while sitting on my lap. Oh well….whatever works…..I was exhausted by then. She had to eat something. I had cereal for dinner. Whatever works….

Dishes are still in the sink, she would not let me turn my back on her…I tried putting her in the baby chair next to the sink, but within minutes she started wailing. I did not want to aggravate her further considering she was still slightly feverish…so the dishes would have to wait till tomorrow as usual, I will be back over lunch to clean up.

Maddy is also having a slight diaper rash, which is now an additional item on my list of concerns. She never had it as an infant, so why now? Nothing is helping. Oh gosh…

Such is the life of a ‘single’ parent for the week. Please come home soon, daddy of my child.

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Today

Today started out pretty well and almost ended okay too, until halfway through dinner Maddy got fussy and refused to eat much more than a few spoonfuls again. I put on a stern face and did not want to give in, which of course resulted in her crying and not finishing her dinner anyway. I painstakingly prepared grilled fish served with a side of mashed potatoes, still she barely touched the fish and took only a few spoonfuls of the mash. I was undoubtedly disappointed and frustrated. I gave her a small portion of yogurt which thankfully she finished without much fuss and plenty of water as I thought her head felt a little warmer than usual – not fever hot but just warm.

After her evening bath, I managed to coax her into taking her usual bottle of milk and then right after lights out and barely a minute of nursing, she was out. I put my palm on her forehead and she felt rather warm again, took her temperature and oh goodness me it was 38.6 degrees C! She was having a slight fever. I woke her up, which of course made her a little cranky, fed her her meds and she is now asleep again. Now that I think about it, perhaps she is teething and hence the reduced appetite and fever? I am feeling like a horrible mom now to have been so nasty to her earlier.

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Oh What A Day!

Finally, I can put my feet up tonight and rest against a soft pillow in almost total silence, except for the faint but calming humming of the air conditioner. Madelyn’s rythmic breathing accompanying my tap tapping on the keyboard. It has been a long and tiring day today and I just need to rant for a little bit.

To begin with, I had a busy day at work, running all over for meetings and discussions, and frantically trying to find time to squeeze in two sessions of pumping at the mother’s room. Oh, and did I mention that I woke up with a cracked nipple out of no where this morning so I had to hand expressed one side in an attempt not to aggravate it more so that it will heal fast enough for Maddy to nurse tonight? And in between work over lunchtime, I rushed back home to sort out last night’s dishes (because with hubby being away, I try not to spend too much in the evenings fiddling around the kitchen – I would just do the bare minimum of cooking and cleaning up and leave the sorting out for the next day lunchtime when I am alone without Maddy so that I can spend more time
managing her in the evenings), then prepare Maddy’s dinner for tonight and gobbled up my lunch. Oh and did I forget to meantion now that we do not have our weekly cleaner, I come home over lunch to vacuum/mop/tidy the house?

The hubby is away for the whole week in another continent so I am on duty to drop and pick up Maddy from daycare/playschool (yes, she has been there since the nanny was unable to work due to a health problem). Maddy decided to sob all the way home from daycare because she wanted to jump on the slides or something like that, but I would not let her because we had to leave before traffic got bad during after office rush hour. Then when we got home, she was o-kay for a few minutes then started to be cranky again and stuck to me like velcro, making it rather difficult to dish out her dinner or clean up whatever it was that I had to clean up.

So after having to spend my lunchtime cooking her dinner, she refused to eat it tonight. Being considerate and remembering some wise parenting article which said I should not force her and respect her ‘No’s, her dinner finally went to two happy dogs instead. I gave her some fruits, which she actually ate an almost full portion of it so that was fine. After which, she started to cry out of no where and I had to drop everything and hold her. I managed to give her a bath, which she rather enjoyed then while her mood was still okay, I cleaned up and had cereal and milk, some two-day old potato and egg salad and cut papayas for dinner. I found those in the fridge and reckoned all together they made up most of the recommended dietary requirements for my day.

It was almost 8.30pm by then which was almost bedtime (yippeeeeee!!!) when little miss I-am-not-done-making-your-day-miserable decided to throw up part of her dinner all over her face and hair while I was changing her diaper lying down. Soooooo….alright……off we went again into the cleaning routine except this time there a soiled towel to wash. I should look at the bright side that it actually happened on the changing table so the impact was localized. Sighhhhh….

After all thaaaaaaaattttt………she finally calmed down, nursed and fell asleep almost immediately. Cracked nipple felt o-kay (please let it heal overnight!) and Maddy is asleep now….perhaps she was not hungry or having slight tummy upset or I don’t know. It is always a challenge to try to figure out the things that actually bother her for she is still unable to tell me every single thing she feels/needs. For that, I try not to judge her or get too upset. I am sure sometimes the whines or sobs or tantrums mean something.

But at the same time….I am oh so glad the day is finally over! Good night !

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I Am Sorry, Mommy

Tonight, Madelyn was playing around with my bottle of hand lotion when she playfully threw it onto her daddy’s head and struck him on the side of his face. He was lying down on the floor.

The both of us then told her in a firm and stern voice, that she was not to throw things onto other people and that she should apologize to her daddy. She kneeled next to him and looked down, her expression very solemn indeed. She did not say a single word but her expression said it all – full of regret and guilt. We continued to look at her, waiting for her apology when suddenly I realized her eyes were a little watery. She had tears in her eyes but trying not to cry! And she didn’t utter a sound.

I felt so sorry for her that I pulled her into my arms and told her softly that it was okay but she is not to throw things at people in the future.

It struck me that my little girl, at 20 months old, is now able to control her emotions. She was feeling sad being reprimanded but trying not to cry. Oh when did my baby suddenly grow up overnight?

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I Want To Remember This…

I may not be able to find time enough to write much lately, but I reckon I should write these memories down so that I will never forget them….

My sweet heart Madelyn is now 18 months old and if it is ever possible, becoming more lovely each day. This afternoon, while I was about to fall asleep next to her (we have been taking naps together on weekends), she rolled over to my side, smiled so sweetly and put her hand on my cheek. I closed my eyes to encourage her to fall asleep and suddenly I felt her cool lips on my cheek and then seconds later she planted another affectionate kiss on my lips. My heart just exploded into a thousand pieces with all the sudden surge of motherly love. I cannot begin to describe just how warm and fuzzy it made me feel inside.

Later in the evening, we took a stroll along the beach and stood in the water with the waves rolling in about our ankles. She was so excited! “Here it comes!!” I said, as the waves rolled in and splashed about our ankles. She squealed and giggled and held on to my hand. Her little pudgy hand in mine…holding tight as if afraid the waves might wash her away. Her expression, so full of joy…made my heart swell again. “Here it comes!” And she laughed out loud again and again.

As we began to walk back to the car, she looked up and grinned and rattled on in baby chatter. Hand in hand, we walked with our backs against the setting sun…Madelyn’s round little bum swish-swishing against the orange light. It was a good evening indeed.

And now as she huddled close to me fast asleep, oblivious to the thunderstorm outside, I cannot help but feel the strongest need to protect my little girl. Sleep tight my love, mummy’s here to keep you warm. Mummy’s here to love you till the end of everything.

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Restore ME! Weekend

I think it is time that I start thinking about myself. Or to be more precise, to start to do the things that I used to do before Maddy arrived. Having to raise Maddy almost single-handedly most of time has left me very little time to squeeze in any self-indulgences at all. But things are getting better now that Maddy is a little older and more independent. The fact that she is now walking on her own means that I have my two hands free to do things that I need to do, and things that I WANT to do! Yay!

So this weekend, I booked myself a session at the hairdresser’s to give my hair the trim that I had so needed (like 3 months ago) while the grandparents watch the little squiggly one (parents are visiting). After the trim, I came home to shower and feed Maddy and while she played by herself in her cot (isn’t she wonderful?), I washed my hair, and home-spa-ed it with my mommy’s home-made coconut oil (I want the shine back on my hair). While waiting for the hair to be done, I did more mommy things like fed Maddy her yogurt, read some books with her and chased her around the house. After which, Maddy went back into her cot for some more individual playtime while I washed the oil out of my hair. Felt lovely to have that moisture soaking into my not-so-long locks…my poor hair had not come even close to any treatment since Maddy came along…I think it is now time to be back to my weekly coconut oil session. Yes, I want to be the mom with great hair!

And that was not all I did. I have to reluctantly accept that I am moving closer and closer to the age group that starts with the number ‘4’ (oh my frikkin gawwwwdddddd!!!) and this is when the words ‘skincare’ and ‘anti-aging’ can be found on the same bottles of stuff in my basket of potions. Although yours truly is slightly more (just slightly…..) than half a decade away, but I am already in the same decade! I am thankful for all these magic nursing and post natal hormones that had been coursing through me to help keep my skin looking decent but little vain me is missing the glow!

Hence armed with a new set of potions, I managed to spend the early evening pampering myself (after feeding, cleaning and putting Maddy into her PJs, of course) and went to bed feeling goooooodddd about everything that I had achieved. I aim to do this every weekend, and find more time for those little things to boost those happy hormones!

Being a mom, I suppose sometimes we lose ourselves in trying to do the best that we can, and to be the best that we can. Time is definitely something elusive those first few months, but we eventually find it again…Well, I did, after almost a year. And it is definitely worth the wait.

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I Love It When…

… I saw tears at the corner of my mother’s eyes because she was laughing so hard watching her grand daughter’s cheeky tricks

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The Simple Joys In Life

I been making a lot of lists lately..so while we’re at it, here’s looking at the little things that are so simple and insignificant, yet will always put a smile to my face or give me that warm fuzzy wuzzy feeling inside…

Going to sleep with rain pouring outside, and knowing I am warm and dry in bed

Waking up in the middle of the night to a thunderstorm after a long dry spell

A cool breezy weekend morning

Chicken curry with lots of soft potatoes

A meal with a side dish of sweet boiled carrots and plump green peas

A neatly arranged bookshelf-preferably mine!

My daughter’s grin

My husband on the phone telling me that he will be back home earlier than planned

Knowing I have a 20-something year old friendship with my girlfriends

Caramel popcorn

Wet sand under my bare feet and waves between my toes!

A brand new shiny saucepan

A happy dog’s wagging tail

Cold butter on warm toasted bread

My grandma’s patchwork quilt (on a cold rainy night)

Fish and chips

A ladybug on my plant

A clean house

My laundry basket empty and no chores

Marketing with mom

…so, what makes YOU smile?

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I Love It When…

… I wake up in the middle of the night ti find Maddy’s chubby cheeks pressed against mine and the soft hush of her breathing in slumber close to my ear 🙂

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I Love It When….

…. Maddy thinks she has done something wrong and comes running to me making her “mmmmmmmmm??” sound as if to say “Why did it break, mommy? Was it me?”

Just earlier tonight she was playing with my breast pump when suddenly the battery cover came off. She picked it up from the floor, lifted it up to me and went “Mmmmm?”

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