LIVE . LOVE . HURT . HOPE

Breezing through life and loving every moment…

Back @ Work

In the office, yes. I have had countless people ask me before, when I was going to get back to work. The fact is, I had been working, from home…the fact that I was home did not mean that I was slacking off in my pajamas. I was promptly responding to emails, reading and reviewing reports, returning queries from the fabrication yard…all these while taking care of an infant as well. I had to admit, even though I was at home, I could barely spend time interacting with Maddy…I just spent enough time each day feeding, bathing, changing and putting her down for naps, and then I would be back hunching over my laptop. It did make me feel bad that I used her obsession with certain toys to my benefit, she would play on her own without needing me to be there with her. But during those months, I suppose that was the best I could do…strike an arrangement with the boss to allow me to remain home caring for child. In return for that, I had to honour my arrangement, I would act upon work requirements…as if I was there sitting in my office cubicle. It was TIRING, having to juggle both baby and work…and there were days when I guiltily wished I was back in the office.

So, that worked out fine for about three months…and finally Maddy’s babysitter could start with us and I got back to the usual routine. I am back at work AT THE OFFICE…been two weeks now, and things are going well. Maddy is adjusting well to the babysitter, apart from the occasional fussiness when she sees me come home…it is as if everything is fine while I am away, then when I walk through the door she realizes I have been away and starts missing me! But my worries of her not being able to adjust or not being to nap with the babysitter are unfounded. Things are great! The babysitter is great!

I am still adjusting to my new role as a working parent. It throws at me various questions and decisions that I never had to consider before. I used to and will soon again have, a highly mobile job that involves a lot of traveling. It was fun then, jetting off weekly for work and shopping and meeting up with friends. But things are different now…I now have to consider work and Maddy…she needs me for food and comfort. As much as she is comfortable with her daddy, and will drink formula milk, I still want her to be fully breastfed and she still wants me to put her to sleep at nights. I expressed my wish to hold back on traveling to the boss, and thankfully he was understanding enough to place subordinates with me who might be able to assist me later. I am blessed to be working with such kind people. But you know, even if it does affect my appraisals later on, deep inside I know that doesn’t really bother me. My family is my priority for now.

So, this is still new to me, this fulltime working mom thingy. Gone are the days of sleeping in or taking naps whenever I want to. I wake up at about 6.30am every day to pump milk, then get ready for work. At the office I take 10 minutes out once in the morning and once in the afternoon to pump milk. After a whole day of work, I get home, babysitter leaves and I wash, cook and manage baby…thankfully with some help from hubby. By 9pm when Maddy knocks off for the day…I am ready to sleep myself. Hubby and I try to watch some movies from time to time and talk too. I suppose we don’t spend as much time alone nowdays, but we just adapt to a different life. We sit and quietly watch our sleeping daughter, holding hands. Some things are just better unspoken. And one of them is…”That’s our beautiful baby girl, dear. This is a good life…and I love you very much”.

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Hope

I do not have a suitable title for this post, but the closest that I can think of is perhaps HOPE.

Hope for my dearest uncle, battling cancer. It breaks my heart to see aunty and cousins praying for time. It breaks my heart that something like this should happen to someone like him. And most of all it breaks my heart that we might lose him. 😦

Hope for my dearest friend SH. I wish I could have offered you a comforting hug and a shoulder to lean on during your difficult days at the hospital with little JJ. And I am so so so happy for your tears of joy yesterday when his final test results came out ok and I hope this is the start to better days ahead. HUGS!

Hope for my dearest friend AF, mummy to adorable baby A – Happy One Month old! I wish you all the good things in the world and all the hope that we can give you for baby A. Perhaps the doctors may be wrong to assume baby A’s days are limited…but she is one month old! And we are all praying that she will have another month and many more months and hopefully years to come. We pray that you have the strength (on top of what amazing strength you already have now) to go through this and be rewarded with a miracle.

And not forgetting hope for J, and all women out there yearning to have that bundle of joy of their own. It may take some time (or in a lot of cases A LOT of it and some tears and pain and heartache) but there is always hope that you will hear that tiny heartbeat that you WILL see on the ultrasound screen eventually.

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Changes

It probably has yet to sink in that in about one month, our lives are going to change…like FOREVER! It also probably has yet to sink in that I have to actually give birth … like soon. I have become quite used to carrying baby around in my belly, feeling her jabs and kicks and wriggles. They feel almost like part of a normal day by now….sitting at the office and I suddenly go “Eeek!” when she jabs me in the side.

Come end April, there is actually going to be somebody new in the household! Oh my! Probably after that my priorities will change. I am a little worried how my fellow team members at work will react. I mean, the company is generally supportive of work-life balance. But somehow I ended up in a team that are mostly workaholics. It makes me feel a little intimidated that perhaps I might want to slow down after this. How will they react? How will that affect my appraisals? I know, I should slap myself for even thinking about this. OF COURSE my child does come first….but what changes am I going to expect when I get back to work? Marriage did not really change our lives much…this probably will and I am wondering and waiting in both anticipation and a little bit of nervousness.

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Book Review: The Story of Edgar Sawtelle

This is not just about dogs.

But yes, I have to admit, because there are dogs involved, I did not think twice to try to get my hands on this book. I mean, I cried bucketloads reading Marley & Me, while sunbathing in my bikini by a resort poolside – much to the curiosity of other couples on a romantic beach resort. But hey, you too would shed a tear or two (or many many more) if your favorite dog character could not walk anymore? Right? Right? RIGHT ?!

While watching a random (backdated) episode of Oprah, this book was being show-cased. Oprah raved about it. Her fans did. So did Stephen King. So I had to get it !

I shall be reading this over the weekend, and throughout my Australia break next week.  I just KNOW it is going to be a great unforgettable book!

edgar-sawtelle-190More about the book here.

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Song: 'Instead' by Madeleine Peyroux

A very inspiring and feel-good song I came across recently…

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Instead of feeling bad
Be glad you got somewhere to go
Instead of feeling sad
Be happy you’re not all alone
Instead of feeling low
Get high on everything you love
Instead of wastin’ time
Feel good ’bout what you are dreaming of

Instead of trying to win something you never understood
Just play the game you know eventually you will you both look good

It’s silly to pretend to have something you don’t own
Just let her be a woman and you’ll be her man

Instead of feelin’ broke
Buck up and get yourself in the black
Instead of losing hope
Touch up the things that feel out of whack
Instead of being old
Be young because you know you are
Instead of feeling cold
Let sunshine into your heart

Instead of acting crazy chasing things that make you mad
Keep your heart ahead, it’ll lead you back to what you have
With every step you are closer to the place you need to be
It’s up to you to let her love you sweetly

Instead of acting crazy chasing things that make you mad
Just keep your heart ahead, it’ll lead you back to what you have
With every step you are closer to the place you need to be
But it’s up to you to let her love you sweetly

Instead of feeling bad
Be glad you got someone to love
Instead of feeling sad
Be happy there’s a god above
Instead of feeling ‘lone
Remember you are never on your own
Instead of feeling sad
Be happy that she’s there at home
She’s waitin’ for by the phone
So be glad she all your own

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Bah! Macho-ism!

So…hubby is unwell. And I am pissed with him! Very, very pissed. Why…? Because I do not understand why he has to keep doing things that will further deteriorates his health just because he “thinks nothing else can make it worse”. Or “this has nothing to do with it lah!”.

Aaarrggh! Why does he insist on pushing away things that are good for him, and will help make him better just because they have not been ‘scientifically proven”. Eeerrgghh!!!!!! That drives me up the wall!!!!It’s not like I am feeding him lizard tails steeped in worm oil. I am just telling him simple things like…please stay away from ice cold water when his stomach is in knots!

Sigh… all I want to do is make him better….what does it take to make him listen?

Well, he is asleep now, feeling better after a herbal remedy. I so want to tell him “I TOLD YOU SO!” but I suppose all that matters is that he is going to be alright….

Ah…why am I so forgiving….

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A Friend's Wedding News

I just received a text message from a close friend that her boyfriend finally proposed tonight. What happy news! I am glad she finally found someone after all these years of looking for the right person.

Congratulations my dear P. 🙂

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