LIVE . LOVE . HURT . HOPE

Breezing through life and loving every moment…

I Hope…

…that perhaps something good will come….

…that perhaps just this one time….

I sincerely hope, and pray to God.

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Blood Test Results

A month after the second suspected miscarriage, I went in again to the obgyn’s for the scheduled blood test that she told me about earlier. It was to check for the presence of auto-immunity antibodies and general screening of my thyroid functions.

So a week after the arm-poking experience (you might have read about it in the last post), hubby and I went back to face the results. I was actually feeling quite calm, because either way, I had nothing to lose. After barely 5 minutes of waiting (the last visit had us waiting for 2 hours!), we were ushered into the doctor’s room and flashed my results almost with style ( ha! ha!) and said :

“EVERYTHING IS NORMAL”

Whoopee!

So I am good to go, and feeling quite pleased with myself. Here’s looking at brighter, happier and luckier days ahead! 🙂

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Blood Tests Part 1

Back from the blood tests looking like a drug addict. The nurse poked my left arm and halfway through went “tsk tsk tsk”. I was like…HUH?

But being a little (o-kay, VERY) afraid of needles, I was not looking and felt her pull the needle out and asked me to apply pressure on the area where she withdrew blood earlier. I sighed in relief thinking it was over. But noooooooooooooo….she said blood suddenly stopped going into the vial earlier so she had to take more. I was like…HUH?? What? How can the blood stop? I am pretty sure I was not dead yet.

Anyway, for some bizarre reason, I didn’t supply enough blood from my left arm, so on to the right arm. I looked at hubby in sheer terror, and he gave me a reassuring look, mouthing “It will be alright” silently. I smiled. And then he started making funny faces and made me giggle. Before I knew it, in went the needle into my right arm and THANK GOODNESS this time I was pumping enough blood from my veins into the vial.

So next week, I will be getting the results for the tests. The good news is, I could be normal and just need normal hormone supplements to help my next pregnancy along. The other good news is, if results do come back and I have wicked antibodies that were attacking my own cells (an embryo included), then I will need to be given anti-anti-bodies to sustain the next pregnancy.

So, either way, I should be fine. I hope.

Till then…..

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Gotta Drink Up…even if it tastes like #$%$

Working in an industry mainly made for men, means I have to sometimes spend more time than I am supposed to, to leave my mark. Which also means, on top of being a wife, cook, and housekeeper… I have to also be working twice as hard to be a successful employee. That sometimes leaves me very little time to eat proper meals. I do try, as much as possible to cook at home, so that I eat well specially in our quest now to expand the family.

So I have been recommended to start taking half dosages of milk for pregnant mothers to make sure I am putting in enough nutrients into myself. Geez… it sure doesn’t taste … exciting. But oh well….

In case you’re wondering just how am I going to balance work-life after baby, the answer is simple. As long as I am childless, I am considered single and without commitment. The company puts staff with family ahead of us ‘single’ people. So we have to work twice as hard when those folks get time off.

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Back to Normal

It is strange how I am now back to doing what I do normally. It is the weekend again, but I am keeping myself very occupied.. there is so much to do both at work and at home. Suddenly, baby making seems to be somehow like the last thing I want to think of now. Okay, so hubby isn’t home. But that is besides the point. The point is, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It is wonderful, yes? 🙂

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Really, I Am O-K

Yes, I am actually ok … physically and most importantly emotionally as well. No more of the post-trauma sadness and all.

Wish me luck that my blood tests come back ok. Even if they do not, at least I can treat whatever it is it reveals.

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The Second Miscarriage

It started with an awfully numbing pain yesterday at work. At first, I thought it was period cramps. Even though to date, I have only gotten cramps twice (the first time being in April when I was also about a week and a half late) I still did not think much of it.

That is until I went to the loo and saw it. The same blod clot (ok I am sorry to be so descriptive) I saw during the first miscarriage. I am very sure that that was not the same as the usual period blood clot. Immediately I knew. The signs, the stabbing pain… they were not just… PMS. The faint positive pregnancy test last week, that was there. I did not imagine that. I had miscarried. The second time.

And the first thought that came to my head was : OMG I CAN ACTUALLY CONCEIVE!!!!!

Yes, not the usual kind of thought that one might expect from someone who just lost a potential pregnancy. But that was exactly how I felt. I was soooooooooooo relieved! I was sooooo glad that my reproductive system (well the first part of it) was a-ok! I was even…. excited.

Just to be on the safe side, I went to consult my gynae if there was any precaution I should be taking following this. But she said my body had already did its job of removing what it deemed not supposed to be there. Hence there was no need for any D&C. In fact, I am good to go.

But she decided we should start investigating the cause for the miscarriages and I am scheduled for blood tests and checks in about one month’s time. By then, hubby will be back and I will have his support.

At least now I know, what to expect. And I am actually feeling that closure that I had wanted so badly since the first loss last year. At last, I can accept it. Somehow, I am feeling much much better than I ever did.

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Chin Up!

By late Saturday, I told myself to snap out of my self-pity, look ahead and move on. There’s always next time. Try again.
And of course, Hubby was being real sweet even though he is so far away. That sort of helps.

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Who Am I Kidding…

I burst into tears soon after I rang Hubby and told him I am having a not too great day. Somehow having to deal with this sudden maybe-good-news-gone-bad quietly alone on a Saturday morning when there is absolutely nothing to distract me is just too much.

I am angry at myself, at the way my body reacted to this. Why taunt me with this sickening burping sensations, why make me feel the exact the things I did when I was briefly pregnant last October… the constant thirst, waking up at 3am every morning, tiredness, the awful pain in my breasts…need I add my MIA menses….

Please just let this weekend pass quickly so I may plunge back into my work. For now, just let me be upset.

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*Smacks Forehead*

I thought I was preggers after a ‘false positive’ with a test strip last Thursday. After which, I waited another few days before testing again; this time with 3 different brands. Just to be sure. And they all came out negative. For a moment, I was speechless and everything was just whirling around. That moment of delirious joy last Thursday was … well, you know.

Sigh…

After a few minutes, I dismissed it all and continued with my usual Saturday chores. Of course I was disappointed. Of course I felt like it was all so unfair. But well, that just means we’ll have to try again.

And so I had a big mug of tea to ‘celebrate’ my un-pregnant state….

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