LIVE . LOVE . HURT . HOPE

Breezing through life and loving every moment…

The Irony of It

I was a generally shy, quiet and reserved kid. I would squirm at the thought of public speaking or anything at all that involved standing in front of a group of people. As the years went by and I grew up and into my job, I that feeling of stage fright and nervous shivers slowly disappeared. Being in a multinational company and having to deal with service people, managers and government agencies really does not give me a lot of choices but to have to speak up and be bold.

But of course, I still hated public speaking.

Then one day, my then supervisor told me that I had to go facilitate a workshop. I politely declined but he pushed on, and I had to do it anyway..while pacifying myself that it would be a one-off thing. I went to run another, then another and another.

Despite of my initial reluctance, I found that I was good at it…and up till today, I am still doing a lot of it and I quite enjoy it. How ironic, and to think that I was so upset before.

Thank you, PH…for pushing me then and helping me find my way.

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Away From It All?

No, we are not on vacation..in fact on the contrary. Well, hubby is away again for the second time leaving baby and myself home alone for the weekend. He’s attending a close friend’s wedding in another town, which leaves me alone for two days with my thoughts (and Maddy). Why didn’t he bring us? Well..it would take a 2.5 hour flight followed by another 3 hour car ride, and repeat that the next day for the way back. We thought Maddy isn’t yet ready for that journey.

So I have two whole days alone at home with Maddy. As usual, it wasn’t easy but manageable. I would say that to be able to cook two meals and have two proper showers while with a 4-month old baby probably means I have a good little girl here. But I am also realizing that all my time is spent either on her or work. I do not have a social life anymore, apart from the occasional tea or gatherings at a friend’s house. I wonder if I am slowly being consumed by this new role and abandoning my previous self? I miss gossip sessions with my friends. I miss sleepovers. I miss spur-of-the-moment trips. I miss shopping for myself! I get off currently by scrutinizing websites selling the Prada and Gucci of baby carriers!

Time to smack myself to remind me of who I was before. While motherhood is a wonderful fulfilling new life, I think that it should be an improvement to who I was? Not leaving everything else behind. I am still a daughter, a wife, a sister, a friend and an employee. Must remember that conversations do not only revolve around baby and diapers. The world is a bigger place with more news than what Maddy does everyday.

I think by remembering that and striking a balance will make me a better mother, a better woman.

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Working vs Parenting

As soon as we found out that I was pregnant, I knew without a doubt that I wanted to do the best that I can to be the best mother I could be for our child. So in a heartbeat I decided that I would take extra time off on top of the 60-day maternity leave that I am entitled to. My maternity leave extended to 3 months and I am now still working from home towards the end of Maddy’s 4th month.

Lately, I have had to deal with some complications with Maddy’s future nanny. The good aunty who will be taking care of her when I eventually return to the office is still with her current employer, who is also a close friend of mine. The family is preparing to leave Miri but is still waiting on their migration visa. Which means that Aunty will still be with them until they leave. It was supposed to be by the end of August or September, but looks like there may be further delays. Which means that I am unable to return to the office as expected.

My boss has so kindly extended my work-from-home arrangement until the end of October. But if my friend’s visa is further delayed, I might need to further extend this arrangement. I am reluctant to send Maddy to a temporary babysitter, and Hubby and myself have decided that we DO want to wait for Aunty. She is an excellent nanny and good nannies are hard to come by. But at the same time, I get this nagging feeling at the back of my mind of how this is affecting my career. BUT the dedicated mother in me is whispering…screw this temporary setback…my child is only young once…I should cherish every moment and give her my best. I choose to stay at home. I choose spend time with her growing up. I have not missed her first real smile, her first laugh, her first turn, the discovery of her fingers and her toes.

But I get a bit nervous when colleagues ask why do I need such a long break? I think the dedicated employee in me is still in there somewhere…drowning but not dead.

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September Soon!! Eeeekkk!!!

September – the month I am supposed to put on proper clothes, actually powder my nose and get back to work!! Oh &@$%€£ no !!

That’s what I put in my leave for before I left to have Madelyn. It is amazing how swiftly a whole blardy month can swoosh by when one is busy feeding, cleaning, entertaining baby while feeding and entertaining two adult doggies who are little babies at heart AND not forgetting the cooking, keeping myself decent AND trying to reply emails and review documents from work…*big sigh*. I am dreading going back to work… I so cannot (read: Don’t Want) leave Maddy….

Well in actual fact, I KNOW for sure that I am unable to resume working fulltime in the office by September (yay!) because Maddy’s babysitter will not be available till probably end September. Ok ok ok … The point is, I have known this for a while but I was (and still am) too chicken shit to shoot that email out to my boss to request for a leave extension. Why?? Because somehow it makes me feel like …. well… somehow less of that go-getter dedicated engineer who would work at any hour to get the job done. I know that I do not have a choice but to have to extend my leave (yay!) but at the same time I think I am just worried about what people will think. As mentioned before, everyone else in my team works so hard (read: workaholic) so it makes me feel, you know…

Hmmm but I gotta get my post-baby butt moving and go write that email. Been putting it off too long now..

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I am…

Extremely tired…

Over-worked…

and

7 months pregnant

and

Cranky

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Our Spiritual Office

Apparently our KL location office was haunted. ‘Was’ because the site manager invited a ‘bomoh’ (malay medium) to exorcised the so-called spirits away. According to Packcik Bomoh, they (a man and a woman) are now wandering the streets of Jalan Tun Razak. O-kay… so, nervousness aside, I hardly think throwing people (sort-of) out of their place of shelter (sort-of) onto the streets is a good deed. For the office workers (live human ones) maybe, but for the spirits? What happens to them now? Gosh… ‘they’ must not be very pleased at all!

I do believe that with faith in God, we will be protected. But still, thinking of how we eventually need to return to that office makes my skin crawl.  Eeeeeee….

Anyway, the site manager sent us an email today. Told us perhaps we should order this online….yea……hmm…..funny.

Ghost buster tool. Image taken from Amazon.com. I kid you not, they sell this on Amazon!

Ghost buster tool. Image taken from Amazon.com. I kid you not, they sell this on Amazon!

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The (Almost) End to Another (Not so good) Week

I am slightly disturbed by how my audit went this week. It is not really bad, but I think I could or should have done better. On top of that, I am vastly disappointed that my so-called team member was not showing much of a team spirit anyway on some occasions. In fact, I was, and still AM rather pissed with him for not showing some support when I most needed it. Not only that, if no support, at least please shut-up and don’t make me look bad.

I so cannot wait to wrap up this phase of the project and move on to the next. I so cannot wait to not have to work for with him further. Good riddance! I am so glad this period of working with someone who just HAVE to control every frikkin thing everyone does is going to be over. He even wanted to dictate how many blardy pages my report had to be!

Urrrggh!!

I wonder if I am feeling so mad because I generally do not like being told how to do what I am supposed to do. That does not mean I do not take suggestions or criticism, but when without a doubt I know there is no reason to do otherwise, and someone insists so just because he thinks so…. now THAT MAKES ME MAD.

Gosh.. I have to stop thinking about work now. It is blardy 10pm, I am in bed and there are other more useful things to fry my brain cells with.

Good night.

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Congratulations but…

Oh wonderful news! My hard work finally paid off and I am advancing to the next level in my career. I am very pleased with myself (I think I am allowed to feel good) and cannot wait to treat my parents to a very nice dinner in a fancy seaside restaurant this weekend. 🙂

Received my letter from the boss today. It says:

Congratulations on your blah blah blah. As an added bonus, you will be paid an additional $$ to celebrate with family and friends but please be informed that this is fully taxable and will be on your own account.

O-kay. Gimme something, then take something away. I don’t even know how to react to this.

What the……..

*blink blink*

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Growing Older, But Not Yet Wiser?

I will be blardy 32 years old this year!

I am using eye cream for wrinkle control that has a 3-digit price tag, I started watching carbohydrate intake (Kill me….) for fear of weight gain due to potentially sloppy metabolism rate, I started thinking about retirement homes (London, French Riviera or Bagan Serai-Penang?) and my aging parents (God please bless them with good health). But for all the grown-up things that I am doing, I fear I still look at the world through adolescent eyes.

I wonder if my reluctance to accept the way of the world will ruin me one day. For instance, at work, I refuse to believe that things cannot be done if one does not dabble in office politics. I acknowledge its existance, as a separate business entity that I may or may not participate in. But I still believe things do work out if one is an honest, hardworking and smart employee. I think being responsible and knowing one’s trade will eventually get things through. I do not like pushing blame around. It drives me nuts. I think simply owning up to mistakes and fixing it works better than trying to find a cover up. No? I only recently stood up and submitted the paper for my promotion to the next job level, simply because now I know I deserve it. It makes me uncomfortable when people tell me, I should ask for it because I should. But I couldn’t do it if I know I did not deserve it. Yes I know. I am such an idiot.

I still believe good things happen to good people. And every person has a reason, for all the evil things that they do. I cannot remain annoyed with someone simply because it takes up too much effort to be angry. It is more tiring to dislike someone that to like someone. Life is short. Why waste it, hmm? If I do not like something, I must change it. If I cannot, I have to learn to live with it and manipulate it to my advantage. Complaining isn’t going to help and will only make me upset. No?

Idealist, they call me. I say I am just happy being me. For as long as I can keep it up. No?

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Here It Goes Again

It is time to return to reality after the festive season. Stress, agitation, heartache and cold sweat from work are back knocking at the door. Oh well, time to keep my chin up and charge ahead then…

Boy, am I glad I like the people I work with … that keeps me sane day after day. Have a great year everyone !

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